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Literature by WantsToLoseHerMask

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Submitted on
August 27, 2013
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9 (who?)
Crashes, crashes
Fire and ashes
Burning all that touch the heat

Scattered, scattered
The armies are shattered
Your protectors flee in defeat

The skies are black
Friends fall to thunder-cracks
You run away so frightened

The death bells toll
You cry and fold
As the noose tightened

Then your eyes turn wide
Why should you hide?
You are no longer screaming

The skies are blue
You see the world anew
As you're sleeping and dreaming

Endless Dreamsby SomeLameStuff

Literature / Poetry / General Poetry / Free Verse©2013-2014 SomeLameStuff
So, was it all just a dream? Or have you fallen into the endless sleep? You decide!

Friend of mine wrote part of this poem, I decided to pick it up and finish it!
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iMariposa Featured By Owner Aug 27, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
This was nice. I liked the rhythm alot
ArthurTheBraveOne Featured By Owner Aug 27, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I really liked this, it was a really great piece! :) I do have to make note that I felt the flow was a little off in some parts, and I have to make one complaint: the sentence 'you run away so frightened' just sounded a little less serious than the rest. I think a little more imagery or perhaps simply less literal-ness would have suited well here.

Keep on writing!
ATBO out.
SomeLameStuff Featured By Owner Aug 27, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks! I don't usually have an editing process beyond "this sounds okay... ENTER!" because if I do start editing, I'll be stuck on it all day >.<

Stupid perfectionist tendencies...

Well, it's nice to know people read my stuff! =D
ArthurTheBraveOne Featured By Owner Aug 27, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Haha, I know that feeling! :) Used to forego editing completely too; my one advice would be to give it a final read-through, preferably later, to catch things that you might not have realized while writing. For example, I find that (for me) it tends to work really well to just get it out on paper during the day (say, at work/school during lazy hours), and then to write it down in word (for copying to DA and archiving) later that evening. That way, since you'll have to also type it out, you get to read it one more time :)

Also, I know how nice it is when someone leaves an actually sensical comment on your work here on DA, it's hard on here for us writer types :) I'll give you a watch, so I we continue to exchange thoughts some other time :)
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